Bloody Mary Brunch with Blair Waldorf: No, I'm Not.

This week I present to you a fabulous guest column by my good friend Blair Waldorf, who is truly quite a conniving beotch, but I am friends with her for status purposes and designer hand-me-downs.

Also, I'd like to note that I beat her at fantasy football last weekend by 4 points. Ahh, Poor Blair. But don't worry, she's still in playoff standing and I'm in last place - per the ususal.

xoxo,

Gossip Girl

"No, I'm not."

"Blimey! I am such a floozie!"

During Season one of Gossip Girl, Blair Waldorf was involved in a pregnancy scandal. Not only did Blair think she was pregnant, but she didn’t know if Nate or Chuck was the potential sperm donor.

That’s what happens when you’re 20. Here’s what happens when you’re 30:

After many years of happily dating, my then-boyfriend, Chuck Bass, asked me to marry him. And, I said yes!!...putting to rest the inane and insistent question that I got at pretty much every family gathering:

"So when are you two getting married?"

I finally had an answer! I finally had a plan! [BLOGGERS NOTE: Audible exhale...]

A burden was lifted off my shoulders…

Until, and I kid you not, the day after my wedding, when the New Question surfaced.

"So when are you two having kids?" [BLOGGER’S NOTE: AAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!]

"We'd be having a wonderful honeymoon period

if it wasn't for those pesky kids!!"

For some reason, the pressure is on for married couples to have kids. I personally blame US Weekly and all those overly fertile and underly brain-celled celebrities. What even happened to natural selection?

I know several women who have no interest in having kids, and when they tell people this, the inquisitor frequently looks like they’ve just had sulfuric acid spit in their face. Over time, the psycologial effect of these facial responses has lead to people like my psychotic coworker having children whom she ships off to daycare the second the sun peeks over the horizon. She would enjoy nothing more then to spend quality time with her kids only while they snore away in dreamland.

In this area, like so many others, our society looks to the next step without assessing the current situation.

And by the way, why do acquaintances feel that it’s all right to tell me that if I do want kids, I’m getting old and I should ‘get the ball rolling’? One in ten women has fertility problems. How painful must it be for those women to constantly have to answer the ‘so when are you having children’ question when they honestly have no answer?

...but I digress.

At first my Mother, Eleanor, would say

“oh, not yet, we’re not ready to be grandparents.”

Gradually, Eleanor began to say nothing.

Now, every time Eleanor calls - which is pretty much every day - we have the following conversation:

Eleanor: Do you remember my friend [insert name]? Their son/daughter [blank] was the one who got married [here]?

Me: ummm, sure. He’s bald right?

Eleanor: well, she’s pregnant! [pregnant pause...haha I kill me.]

Me: Really, already? That’s great!

Eleanor: [expectant pause]

I’m not joking when I say this happens every day. I personally know nine women having 10 babies in a six month span. I’ve termed the stretch from August 2009 to February 2010 Babypalloza.

I had to cut it off in February because we already have some late entries - and this does not even count the random people Eleanor, and even Facebook, insist on telling me about. Or my psychotic coworker who is coming back from maternity leave two months early. Shocker.
 

I just spent a weekend with Sister Bass, and - bless her heart - the way she talks about babies you would’ve thought I was nine months pregnant and due tomorrow. She pointed out baby products she liked, toys she was buying my non-existent baby. She asked how many kids I want, what their names would be (gulp!), and where we’d move once we have said babies. 

 

To make matters worse, my Dad has now waded into the fray.

When chatting the other day, he asked if I’d gotten my H1N1 flu shot yet. When I told him that I wasn’t in any of the priority groups, he mentioned that pregnant women should make sure to get one. I reiterated that I was not in any of the priority groups.

"Dad, you're such a sneakster, you sneakster you!!

Mom, I can hear you breathing on the other line."

 

It’s no secret that I want kids, but must it be thrown in my face every single day? It’s not like Al-Qaeda invaded my womb and we need this type of 24-hour coverage.

I don’t want to turn into one of those crazy women who only talks about their kids (like my current best frenemy), especially if I don’t have hobbies with which to diversify the conversation. 

 

So, until that day comes when I can answer “in about six months” I’ll continue to lavish the dog with unhealthy amounts of attention and spend my time building an ass-kicking fantasy football team.

Because no, I’m not pregnant.

This Calls for Some Slow Jams...

Update...Tiger Woods lives up to his surname in more ways than one.

A respectable statement from Tiger. Way to finally man-up - i.e. "I do not want to lose $500 million. Please, please leave me alone."

"I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.

"Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.

"But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don't share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one's own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn't have to mean public confessions.

"Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it's difficult.

"I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology."

Fighting for a Tiger's Stripes.

"Did you hear the Tiger Woods' voicemail?" I asked my friend Derrick as we walked into the office the morning. "It's totally him."

"No. I refuse to participate in this nonsense!" he replied emphatically.

20 mins later I recieved this impassioned e-mail from Derrick, our resident athlete and man's man:

"I listened to the Tiger voicemail and this whole situation is sad. The media continues its unjustified character assassination of the greatest athlete of our time and these whores who just want their fifteen minutes insist on ruining his marriage even further."

And in related news, this vintage photo from the Las Vegas Invitational is suddenly more awkward than it already was - a truly difficult feat: