My apologies...

I am sorry I have not been able to post for a week. Things have been crazy at work, but should calm down next week.

I have a great guest column from Peach waiting in the wings and should get it up in the coming days!

Thank you so much for your avid readership! I hope I'm giving you some much needed laughs.

XOXO,

Silvey

PS - My Fantasy Football team is in last place and still sucks...you know, in case you were wondering. This is mostly because I benched Tony Romo - who has been stinkin' up the joint - this week and he scored 30 points!! What the heck!!! I lost by 6.

But, I did want to share this special moment that was experience by "Right to Remain [Sexy]" League members Peach and Brisele this weekend in Napa:

"To my dearest Right to Remain Fantasy league members... Today I was proud to share a moment with Brisele as she tried on a pair of Louboutin's (see below) and settled on a pair of Tory Burch black leather rounded toe heels... Sexy, yet practical enough for wearing to a football game."

This, my friends, is what our league stand for!!! You have the right to remain!

New Hobby Attempt #1,546,007: Get a Pet Fish

The weekend before last I sauntered into PetSmart - a woman with a plan.

For a few days prior to the PetSmart trip, there was something different about me: I had a hop in my step; I had paid down my credit card; My sinuses were clear; I was proud of the work I was doing in the office; and I had stood up for myself at the auto-service center and gotten some shoddy-work repaired for free.

This confidence meant I could take on new challenges and handle them with ease. It meant I could get a pet!

I decided best to start with baby steps - a pretty fancy goldfish in a little aquarium.

I walked into PetSmart and - low and behold - the 2 gallon starter aquarium set was on sale! "It's meant to be!!!" I picked up the box and skipped over to check out the fishies.

Memories of childhood danced through my head. Oh! pretty fins! Oh, which one has the most personality! Which one looks the most quirky!? We're gonna be BEST FRIENDS!! Lalala.

...enter Fish Nazi.

"Can I help you," she said gruffly. She spoke with authority and pessimism. And she looked like she dresses up for the Renaissance Festival annually.

"Oh, I want to get a goldfish. I'm trying to pick one out," I responded.

"Well you can't keep it in that little aquarium if you want it to live."

...I vividly remember keeping my pet goldfish in a BOWL for 5 years when I was a kid and he lived until I had to flush him down the toilet alive for trying to eat my other pet goldfish.

I don't know why I didn't just separate him to his own bowl. Seems sorta messed up now that I think about it. Especially since he swam back up when I was peeing and then I had to reflush him!! Oh gosh...what a horrible memory I have buried for decades!!

Geeze. But I digress...

"I used to keep them in bowls when I was a kid and mine lived 5 years. We named him miracle fish!" I said with a grin. (Sorry again about the flushing of you alive miracle fish...)

"Well, that was a miracle fish cause he should have been dead. I got my neice that aquarium and a goldfish and her fish only lived for 2 years."

(BLOGGERS NOTE: Um. 2 years sounds like a perfectly fine life-span for a goldfish. It's that like 100 in human years?)

"But there are pictures of goldfish on this box."

"That'a a marketing ploy to sell more aquariums."

"What size tank does one goldfish need if this is a lie?"

"10 gallons at least," she said gruffly.

10 gallons!?!?! 10 gallons!!?!?!  That is the size of my television!!!

"I dunno, this is starting to feel like a big undertaking. I don't know if I'm ready for this sort of commitment. I'll have to think about it."

 I left PetSmart and returned home feeling utterly deflated.

Flash forward 1 week to this past Friday.

It was a hard ass week at work, as noted by last week's post on my fluke leopard-print Snuggie purchase. And now, on Friday evening, it was cold and raining and no one wanted to do anything but hibernate.

But I felt the need for action...and I couldn't stop thinking about that fish.

I did a cost-benefit analysis in my head and decided that I could settle for a betta fish. They can live in little bowls and use tap water...This would be most cost effective and still fulfill my need for whimsy.

I drove over the PetSmart in the rain, praying that Ms. McGruff was off that night. She was.

A very friendly young man pointed me in the direction of the betta fish and I walked over to look at the sad little guys in the tinted blue cups.

I stood there for a full hour, looking at every single fish they had.

Too Ugly. Too Red. Messed up fins. Mean face. Oh!! Pretty blue! I like Blue!

"Do you need help picking out a fish?" the nice man asked after wandering over. I must have looked confused.

"No, I'm just seeing which one I connect with."

By this point I had it narrowed down to 5 beautiful, colorful fish. And then it hit me. I should get one that is not colorful. No one will want him, and then I can be his saving grace and give him a home!!

(Cue: "How much is that doggie in the window...")

So I picked out the least colorful betta fish I could find. A white Betta with little beady eyes and a frowny face. "I like him. He's a raggamuffin like me!"

Pink gravel. Done. Fake plant. Done. Cool looking glass bowl from the TJMaxx next door. Done.

"We're going home little fishy!!!!" I said outloud in the car.

I hurried home in the rain, holding his little cup in between my legs to keep him from getting jossled around in the car. LD was excited when I arrived. He wanted me to get the runtiest looking fish I could - and I felt proud of my success!

"Can we name him ButtFranklin?" LD asked.

"What is ButtFranklin?"

"From the Beartato comic! It's such a perfect, idiotic name for our runty fish!" he exclaimed.

Courtesy of nedroidcomics.

I still dont get it....

"Fine, but I'm calling him Franklin," not wanting to kill LD's excitement.

Franklin enjoyed his first night in his new home thuroughly. He ate his bloodworms and frolicked around the water. He followed my finger and generally seemed super happy and curious.

I fell asleep on the couch to the pitter patter of the rain outside, happy as a clam.

When I woke up around 1 a.m. to get into bed, I noticed that Franklin was pretty subdued in his bowl.

"Look LD! He's sleeping when we sleep. That is so cute."

The next morning, I excitedly came out to the living room to check on Franklin. He was still hanging out at the bottom of the bowl. I shook it a little and he came to life - but pretty half-assly. I noticed a chill in the air. It was still raining outside and our heat was not on.

"LD, I think that Franklin is too cold. His water feels so cold!"

I googled. The sites said he was probably in shock and to warm up the water slowly. Betta's are tropical fish and should be in water between 70-80 degrees. It was 69 degrees in the apartment - this did not bode well.

We turned up the heat. We added a cup of warmer water to the bowl, trying to help.

I took him into the bathroom with me and took a HOT shower, trying to steam up the room as best as I could. I also let the blow dryer run for a while around his bowl.

My plan? I needed to get a small aquarium heater and put it in his bowl. I would keep him in the warmed-up bathroom with all the steam, etc. until I got back from the pet store. Perfect. This will work. I just have to keep this room wa...

LD opens bathroom door.

"No!! You're letting all the warm air out! I've been trying to keep it steamy in here for Frankie!!"

"I need to do laundry. I need clean underwear," he responded.

"Whatever, we did laundry on Wednesday and you had like 10 pairs in there! Did you already wear 10 pairs of underwear?!"

"Those aren't the ones I want," LD said.

"I can't believe you care more about your man-panties than ButtFranklin!!"

"Okay, you need to calm down."

(BLOGGERS NOTE: LD does not wear panties. At this point, I was being a little over-dramatic, but I was worried about my fish. I would like to publically apologize to LD for calling him a man-panty wearer.)

After the laundry was in, I closed the bathroom door and proceeded to run the blow dryer again for a while until the room felt warm. We then departed for PetCo.

At PetCo. I purchased a Betta Fish mini-aquarium and an aquarium heater that would consistently keep the water at 78 degrees. My $20 investment in Franklin and all his food, gear etc. the night before suddenly turned into a $70 investment. But this was serious!

This was a heart-wrenching episode of Franklin's Anatomy and we were at code blue.

"I just want my fish to live for 1 year," I said to LD as we checked out.

"Let's go for 24 hours first," he laughed. 

We rushed home. The apartment felt warm. The bathroom did not.

Franklin was doing a headstand at the bottom of the bowl.

"He's dead!!!"

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry but my face contorted into a look of distress. I shook the bowl. He swam away....

"Wait! He's not dead. But he looked dead! I have to hurry and get the heater in there!!"

I plugged in the little water heater and suction cupped it to the inside of the bowl. Red light - it was working.
Slowly but surely Franklin made his way over to the heater and snuggled up against it. Things were looking good. It was just a matter of time now until he was out of shock and back to his old self again.

20 minutes passed. Green light. The heater stopped heating!

....But the water still felt so cold. I highly doubted it was at 78 degrees. I took it out and put it in a cup of cold water. It started heating again. Okay...back into the tank. Stopped heating.

"You have to remember that water is generally cold. We are 98 degrees so 78 degrees will feel cold to you even though its not," LD explained.

I calmed down. Okay...I'll give it some time.

Another 20 mins passed and I noticed that Franklin was still snuggled up against the heater. But now he was upside-down.

"Frankie is upside-down!"

"No he's not. He's looking at me," LD said.

"His mouth is on the top of his head!!"

"Oh - he is upside-down."

I shook the bowl and he swam away. But upside-down was a horrendous sign. I couldn't handle it anymore. I needed a xanax and a nap.

I woke up two hours later and Franklin was still upside-down next to the heater.

"At least he's breathing," LD said supportively as we headed out to the movies.

"When we get home, I either want him to be swimming around, or dead. I can't handle this stress anymore," I exclaimed.

I'll let you guess which one materialized.

*

R.I.P

ButtFranklin

10/17/09-10/18/09

(*Dramatization of ButtFranklin Flying to Heaven)

I said some kind words about the joy and stress little Franklin brought into my life and LD flushed him down the toilet. Then I cried. LD embraced me.

Come on...we're talking about a FISH that I had for 24 hours here!!!

The unopened Betta Aquarium and the heater will be returned. I just can't handle the stress of a replacement fish at this time of mourning.

All I have to say is this is the sort of debacle that happens when I don't just go to Forever 21 when I'm bored!

So there!!

Mecca...

Briggs

Lee Briggs - Age 28

Today is my Mom's 68th Birthday...

and she is more stunning now than she was in this photo taken at 28 years old - the exact age I am today.

A lot has happened in those 40 years: Love and Loss - Elation and Devestation - Fate and Hope.

My mom has lived a raw, passionate, and unabridged life.

There has been no half-assing it.

From a Prisoner of War in a WWII Japanese Internment Camp in the Phillipines named Nelda, to an acclaimed stage actress named Lee.

From a serial-dating "it girl" in the 60's who met my father while on a date with another man, to a one-man woman for the last 40 years.

From a homley, gap-toothed catholic school girl getting "rulered" by the nuns for acting her age, to an elementary school teacher sharing her passion and wit with naughty kids of a new generation.

From a woman who struggled to have children, to an energetic, fully-invested and uplifting mother of 2 daughters.

From a Go-Go Dancer on Magnum P.I., to a wheel-chair bound paraplegic.

From asking "why?" to hearing "you can do it Briggs" - my rough-around-the-edges father never leaving her side.

From an empty nester finally catching her breath, to taking on the unforseen role of mother to her own grandson for nearly a decade.

Nothing has been sugar coated. Nothing has been easy.

But through it all, she has stood back up and marched on with gratitude, faith and pride.

My biggest regret in life happened at age 11. My newly-paralyzed mom called out for me to help her reach something in the dining room. I stomped in, livid at having to leave my episode of Nickalodian's "Hey Dude!" to respond to her needs.

"I hate helping you!" I shouted like a little imbicile.

"I hate you having to help me," she responded.

I sat on her lap, and we both cried.

No amount of help on my part could ever compare to the gift she has given me simply by being my Mom.

She has been my sunshine on the darkest days, and has given me her radiant smile and warm spirit.

I am me because of her, and I am so humbled by her strength and love.

I can only hope I will live my next 40 years with the grace and class with which she has lived her last 40.

Happy Birthday Mom. I love you.

Lee Briggs - Age 68

I like to be snug. What's it to ya?

I have hit rock bottom.


First, I stayed up until midnight (my self-imposed bed time on school nights in 10 p.m.) on Monday night watching football. My Fantasy team was in the lead until the final 7 seconds of the game, when RONNIE BROWN screwed me over!

In my exhausted daze, I remember screaming to me self...alone in the bedroom... "Anyone but Ronnie Brown!! Anyone but Ronnie Brown!!" as the Dolphins faced 4th down at the 5 yard line. But, of course, it went to Ronnie Brown...and he scored the game-winning touchdown. 

I lost this week's Fantasy match-up 96.94 to 100.94. More importantly, I lost 2 hours of sleep doing it!

I then spent the night dreaming that all my teeth were falling out.

I think that my search for an enjoyable hobby in Fantasy Football has become just the opposite: an anxiety-inducing obsession that keeps me glued to the couch and computer for hours at a time doing football analytics and contemplating game day decisions.

LD says the agony of defeat can be as beautiful as the thrill of victory. I can smell his BS from here...I may need to talk to my therapist about my fantasy football issues next session.

My week then proceeded to be SWAMPED with work as the cold, wet, fall weather swept in. 

Last night I left the office at 7p.m. and began my trek home in the chilly rain. As you may know, every driver in Washington D.C. turns into a 95 year old woman in a Cutlass Supreme who forgot her glasses when it rains. It literally took me 2 hours to drive the 5 miles home.

I was at a dead-stop in traffic so often, I was able to score 56,000 points on iPhone Bookworm game. Bookworm is AWESOME. I spelled Biology at the red light on 16th street! Check it out here.

And no, there were no accidents blocking traffic. Everyone in the district is just a fool or a taxi driver.

Hungry, cold, wet, exhausted, dry-eyed and stuffy headed, I finally got to my street - but I had to stop at Wallgreens to buy some Claritin and distilled water for my sinus rinser before I could go home. My life if truly glamorous.

And it was at Wallgreens where I hit rock bottom. The photo speaks for itself...

I now enjoy blogging in my new leopard Snuggie.

At first I was embarrassed to reveal my purchase to LD.

What?! It was on sale!!...and in that life-altering moment all I wanted do was snuggle up on the couch and throw my stresses to the wind. 

And HELLO!!! It was leopard print!!! Animal prints are very in vogue this season.

Now everyone is making fun of me for being snug all the time. But I enjoy being snug! My appendages get really cold when the seasons change.

I probably need to invest in a new coat, or some winter tights, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

So, this is my new leopard Snuggie, and I will proudly own it. 

I wonder if they come in Peach? 

Fantasy Football Update: Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Kicking Your Arse.

Where do I begin?

In the 2 weeks since my last Femme Fatale Fantasy Football league update, much has gone down.

There's been smack talkin', anonymous triflin', and a resounding refusal on my part to remain in last place.

...I can still smell the sweet scent of victory in the air.

Are you feeling down-trodden this week, like nothing is going your way? Are you channeling poor little Alexander, who fell asleep with gum in his mouth and now has gum in his hair?

“I went to sleep with gum in my mouth and now there’s gum in my hair and when I got out of bed this morning I tripped on the skateboard and by mistake I dropped my sweater in the sink while the water was running and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.”

– Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (1972)

Well fear not little buddy. The story I'm about to tell speaks to the true resilience of the human spirit and will renew your soul.

Or it will just be fun for me to brag for a couple minutes.

So 2 weekends ago, I lost my third game of three for the season. This one was close - really close. The difference was a last minute recommendation by LD that I pick up Mario Manningham of the Giants and bench Derrick Mason of the Ravens for the week. According to LD, Mason is a great player, but hadn't been bringing in the big points. I was frustrated and was like "What do I do? What do I do!?!" as the final minutes to kick-off ticked own.

"Pick up Mario Manningham if he's available. He scored 20 points against the Cowboys last week. He's on a hot streak," LD said.

He was still available! Just my luck.

I went into Monday night football up by 20 over my opponent, The McKeg Quake. (McKeg never even logs into the league site. Her social life is so action-packed that she plays "bye" week players with reckless abandon and doesn't care if she wins or loses. I care. A lot.)

By Tuesday morning, I'd had lost by 8 points. Besides the fact that Tony Romo stunk up the joint, Mario Manningham had only scored me 5 points. Derrick Mason on the other hand scored 18 points while non-chalantly sitting on my bench.

"LD! What the hell!!" I yelped.

"What?! It's all about taking chances on people. You never know who's gonna have a great week and who's gonna go cold," responded LD professorially.

"You keep saying I have all these great players and then I keep losing to teams like McKeg who don't even try. I'm starting to think you're full of crap."

"Whatever! I have won my league three times before! It's all about luck!"

For those of you who know me, and have recommended that I invest in a bubble to go about life in, you know that I cannot depend on luck. I must depend on Googling, street-sense, and good hand-eye coordination if I have any chance of success.

"Your advice sucks. Next week I'm gonna do it by myself."

"Fine, but I'm not the reason you lost. I've given you lots of good advice," responded LD.

"Pish Posh!"

And with that, Week 4 of the Femme Fatale Fantasy League commenced.

Week 4 Candid Self-Portrait

In Week 4 I faced cdssimi - the confident, ghost-written, undefeated team led by Adrian Peterson and Kevin the Intern. Despair fills the hearts of all cdssimi opponents. They know they will likely lose, and that they are losing to a quietly-confident woman and her cocky intern.

This out-take from the Week 4 smack-board for our match-up explains it all:

Dreadheads (lost by 6 points to cdssimi in Week 3): nivek...ho, i tnaem of yas eht nretni tihs...rolyaT tnseod a ecnahc! OOOOOOOOOOOOG OMOR!!!!!

(Something about Go Romo, beat Taylor. Kevin the Intern is a Ho?)

cdssimi: Is someone still bitter about last week??

Shortly thereafter, I received the following message from team Dreadheads on my Facebook wall: "Half of your players have bye weeks! I'm sure you're all over it....just contemplating your trades, BUT I need to make sure. CDSSIMI is getting cocky and they need to be stopped!!!!"

Point taken!

Someone had to take cdssimi  down, and I wanted that someone to be me. Sunday morning, LD went off to the office to prepare for an upcoming trial and I was left alone to contemplate my team. I had no idea where to start. Oh look! Yahoo Sports! has videos you can watch with recommendations...

I spent the next 60 mins watching geeky "Fantasy Experts" in Yahoo! polo shirts talking about their sit-start recommendations for the weekend and their Week 4 pick-ups.

This is what I learned.

Derrick Ward is injured?? WHO KNEW?! (I proceeded to google whether or not he had made the trip to Washington up until the last minute. I took a nap, and then around 12:35 I found out he hadn't made the trip to DC. Then I realized that he and Cadillac Williams are on the same team, and are low-and-behold both Running Backs. I decided I'd start Cadillac Williams as RB against the Redskins.)

The Cleveland Browns actually do suck??! (...I thought that was just smack-talk around the office. Maybe I bench Romo this week and play Carson Palmer, my back-up QB? Food for thought...)

Chicago is playing the Detroit Lions....hmmm. I know that the Lions suck for a fact. (I'll start Matt Forte! He hasn't scored many points for me thus far, but he'll do well against the crappy Lions!)

The Baltimore Ravens have a good defense. (They're playing the Patriots. The Patriots are good huh? But good defense is important. I think Derrick Mason will have another good week.)

I was still unsure of whether I should bench Tony Romo for the week, so I went into the Yahoo! Fantasy chat room and asked the Fantasy Experts "Romo or Palmer"

Palmer. Done and Done.

What's that? There are swirling winds over the Browns' stadium. Could the weather affect Palmer's long passing ability?

Wait...am I really in a chat room right now?!? What has happened to me!! 

I HAVE A BLOG AND I AM IN A FANTASY FOOTBALL CHAT ROOM!!

I quickly closed the window.

I decided to keep Mario Manningham in as an ode to my loving boyfriend who said people can have bad weeks. Maybe it was the lucky of the draw... I'll give him another chance.

I also did some analytics on Kickers since mine had a bye week and picked up Lawrence Tynes of the Giants.

Scramble in some Vincent Jackson and the Giants defense, and this was as good as I was gonna get. Projected match up? The Bubble Butts: 94.81 points v. cdssimi: 104.21 points.

I watched with bated breath all day...from home...from the office...from my iPhone in the Big and Tall store with LD. (Did I mention that my boyfriend is 6'10"?)

I downloaded the Yahoo! Fantasy Football application to my iPhone so I could see how the match-up was doing all day long. It was slow to update...I felt anxious and confused. UPDATE DAMMIT!! GET IT TOGETHER PALMER!! YOU'RE PLAYING THE BROWNS!!

As I lay in bed watching Sunday Night Football, I peeked at our league playoff settings.

"LD, don't you think it would be more fun if everyone got to participate in the playoffs?" I asked.

"Yeah, that'd be fun for you guys."

"Right now it's only 4 teams but I'm gonna change it so we can all play longer cause fantasy football is fun."

I naively changed this setting for "fun"and continued watching the game.

OMG!!! I ended the day up 30 points over Taylor. 30 POINTS!!! OMG!!!

But wait... she still had Adrian Peterson left in the Monday night game. AP scored 37 points against the Browns...I could still get trounced.

I went to sleep and decided to try to lay low on the smack talk the next day. I didn't hear a peep from cdssimi. I assume this is because she (and by she, I mean Kevin the intern) was too busy shaking in his boots.

"I am getting beaten by the last place team in the league? HOW COULD THIS BE!?" thought Kevin the intern. (I assume this happened...)

On Monday I did, however, hear from my friend Pear's "anonymous friend" who sent her a message saying "your friend is pulling some bullshit... changed the playoffs from 4 teams to 8 teams today... no point in having a regular season if everyone makes the playoffs.... don't think it's a coincidence that she is in last place and did this... just saying - very poor sportsmanship for a commish to do this."

WHAT THE HELL!!? No one calls Silvey a poor sport.

I was so mad. First of all, I thought that Kevin the intern sent the message so I sent the entire league an e-mail saying it had come to my attention that people were crap-talking about me anonymously and if they have an issue, say it to my face!! I also said that I changed the playoff rules because I thought it would be fun, and obviously none of us know anything about football so this was not me being "sketchy." Please tell me what to do and I will change it to the leagues preferred option.

Pear responded saying "IT WASN'T KEVIN!" (I still am confused about who sent the message...What male is signing into our league for Pear?? Huh?? Pear's got some explanin' too do.)

Okay...now I felt bad. But only because I knew I was about to inflict even more trauma on Kevin the intern and Taylor in the form of a good old-fashion ASS KICKIN'!! 

On Monday night, Adrian Peterson brought in a measly 9.5 points out of a projected 19.67 - his lowest score of the season.

WEEK 4 FINAL SCORE

The Bubble Butts v. cdssimi

93.90 to 69.86

WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Ode to my Fantasy Football Chat Room Buddies...

In the days following my victory, I received e-mails like "Did you really beat Taylor?" and "WOOOHOOOO!!"

I too am still in disbelief... but, one thing I'm not anymore is in last place. I am now in second-to-last place. I'm moving on up!! cdssimi remains in first place, but with an oh-so-sweet blemish on her record. It's like the Homecoming queen getting a giant cystic zit on her nose the night of the dance - but still winning the crown. :)

I still haven't heard a peep from Taylor or Kevin - not even a simple "well played" on the win. I think they are laying low, strategizing for their upcoming match-up against Brisele this week. Brisele is in second place, and yes - she still is holding Larry Fitzgerald hostage from me.

This week I face my good friend Blair Waldorf. Blair is in 6th place, and also has 1 win and 3 losses. I have been strategizing on this one all week and I am still anxious over whether or not to start Romo tomorrow. He could make or break my week.

One thing if for sure. Jessica Simpson is feeling some sweet vindication. Romo didn't suck last season because he was dating her. As evidenced by this week's loss to Denver, he sucked because he can't count to 4. 

I'm willing to bet Jessica can make it to at least 10.

P.S. Mario Manningham only scored 4.3 points towards my victory. Sorry LD - He'll be warming the bench in Week 5. XOXO!

In the spirit of the Femme Fatale Fantasy League - meshing the best of fashion and athletic ability - I leave you with the leagues quote of the week, coming in an e-mail from Brisele last Sunday:

"I just bought a pair of shoes on my iPhone while watching football. I think this truly encapsulates the spirit of the league."

Peach's response: "I've never been so proud...except for that time I drafted Michel Vick."

Afternoon Fro-Yo: Pumpkins

Reflecting on last Saturday Night. -By Peach

I woke up this morning and there were pumpkins on my nightstand. I think I got them for myself but then passed out before I could eat them. So sad. There was the hottest bartender last night and so naturally I wrote my phone number on the back of my receipt. I wrote "you = cute. me = smitten. 918-XXX-XXXX. xxxxxxxxxx@ gmail.com.

The Cure was playing in the background. He looked at the receipt and goes, "I'll only read it if you write something as good as these lyrics." So, I took back my receipt and wrote, "I didn't know why I moved to San Francisco, until I looked into your eyes."

I am cringing at myself this morning!!!!

"Oh Great" Thought Toby...

Peach Bellini Brunch: "Own It"

Greetings!!

This week's guest column comes all the way from San Francisco. Peach - everyone's favorite Michael Vick fan - opens up about dealing with the enigma that is being a professional, single, twenty-something woman in the age of social-networking. Get all that?

Well... keep reading. :)

Peach Bellini Brunch: "Own It"

Sometimes you just have to Facebook-stalk your ex-boyfriend’s new pregnant girlfriend to get a little clarity in your life.  

Okay, let me back up a bit.

Almost everyone I know would describe themselves as indecisive. We don’t know what will make us happy in life, what we should do with our careers, or even what to eat for diner. Yet, we’re forced to make decisions - both large and small - about these things every day. Once the decisions have been made, we've also had to learn to accept the consequences of our choices.

About 4 months ago, I decided to move across the country from Washington, D.C. to San Francisco, CA. This was truly a difficult decision that I weighed for months before taking the plunge, and each day I spend on the West Coast I realize a new way my move has impacted the entire course of my life.

Nevertheless, sometimes it is the decisions we make on a whim - not the cross-country moves - that bring the most clarity.

Sometimes it is in the moonlight of 2:00AM - that magical window of time after the bars close and before the unconscious slumber of seven cocktails kicks in - that you Facebook stalk a pregnant lady you have never met and proceed to wake up the next day with a new lease on life.

I opened my eyes early on Sunday morning, after celebrating a friend’s birthday until the wee-hours the night before and proceeded to do a quick mental checklist to recount the night: Pre-party at my house. Vodka. Karaoke - Wanted to sing Michael Bolton but was forced to sing Gloria Gaynor. Lots of drinks - Perhaps a fruity shot? Cabbed home by myself. Drunk ate a slice of pizza. Probably didn’t tell anyone I went home. Got clothes off, but did not get pajamas on. iPhone is laying next to me in bed. 

Why is iPhone next to me and not on nightstand? Was I drunk dialing?.... 

OMG. 

...I remembered my final actions of the night and panic set in.

OMG.


At 6:57AM I texted Silvey, Pear, and Booberry. 

Actual Text: "Is there any way to cancel a Facebook friend request? Last night I was wasted and friended my ex-boyfriend’s pregnant girlfriend."

At 7:10AM Silvey responded.

Actual Text: "You colossal idiot. This is LD, and I’m going to save your butt."

Since moving to the West Coast, I have often been annoyed by the three hour time difference from D.C. But at this moment, I thanked God that most of my friends on the East Coast were awake, and that LD noticed the text come through sleeping Silvey’s iPhone. He preceded to text me step-by-step instructions for canceling a friend request. I appreciated his help, but I knew I could not maneuver it from my iPhone (my only connection to the internet from home...) and I would need access to a computer.

At 7:22AM Pear responded.

Actual Text: "Haha! I’m sorry Peach! I kinda hope she adds you. I want to see this girl. But oh well, it isn’t a big deal. I creep on FB all the time."

Even with LD’s advice and Pear’s sympathy, I still felt panicky and guilt-ridden. Somewhere out there, a pregnant chic I’d never met was waking up next to my ex-boyfriend with a Facebook request from me waiting in her inbox. But there was nothing I could do about it at the moment - and staying awake to worry would only make my hangover worse - so I fell back asleep.

At 9:15AM, I awoke to a text from Booberry.

Actual Text: "I have no idea how to cancel a request! Google it. What did you do last night?"

I called her immediately.

Me: “I need you to log into my Facebook account.”
Booberry: “Can’t you do it from your phone?”
Me: “I am in bed. I am naked. There is pizza crust on the floor next to me. I can’t be alone right now. I need you to stay on the phone with me while we check. Please.”
Booberry: “Okay, let me get off the couch and get my computer.”

It struck me what a good friend Booberry was to get herself off the couch on a Sunday morning and attempt to clean up my internet mess. “You really are a best friend, you know that?” I told her. “Check my messages also.”

Booberry first confirmed that I didn’t have any messages from the girlfriend telling me to leave her pregnant ass alone. A small victory. Then, Booberry found the pending friend request and was ready to cancel it, but I stopped her. The damage was already done.

Canceling the request after a notification email had already been sent would just make me look even more crazy. So I thanked Boo for her help and told her I was going to spend the rest of the day walking around the block in my white bathrobe.*

*When Britney Spears is about to have a breakdown, she shaves her head. When I am on the verge of a breakdown, I put on my white bathrobe. 


Booberry: “Maybe you’ll meet a nice young man who is also roaming the streets in a white bathrobe. Or even better, maybe you’ll meet a man in a black bathrobe!”

Hmmm. I think I'll steer clear of the bathrobe walk for now...

...or not.

After I hung up with Booberry, I called Pear and recounted to her my thought process. It had all started out so innocently... I had never met the pregnant girlfriend, and didn’t even know her last name. But someone’s status took me to a picture, and she had commented on said picture. Soon, I was on her profile and found myself hitting the “add as friend” button. 

A box popped up asking me if I wanted to confirm the request. 

“Hell yeah I want to confirm the request!!” I remember thinking to myself by the light of the moon. “I can be friends with whoever the EFF I want to be friends with!”

So I hit "confirm request," threw my phone down and passed out. 

Pear was silent for a moment, but when she finally spoke there was not one ounce of hesitation in her voice.

“Own it,” Pear said. “You gotta own that shizz. Yeah, you friended a random pregnant lady. Yeah, you’re a drunken Facebook creeper. So what? So what if you are?”

Something in her confidence and self-depreciating simplicity was comforting, and it immediately made me feel better.

Pear continued: “I do it all the time. In fact, I just friended Liz’s boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. Apparently she is like this gorgeous Southern beauty queen and so I wanted to see her. She accepted me and then de-friended me after a week.”
Me: “So was she really a gorgeous Southern beauty queen?”
Pear: “No… I mean, I picture Southern beauties to be very classy and poised. But she had, like, bleached-out hair. And lipliner. She looked like she bought all her clothes as Wet Seal.”

Me: “So she was more like trashy-Tennessee-backwoods-high-school-drop-out beauty queen?”

Pear: “Yeah.”

Me: “It’s been my experience that most beauty queens are normally not beautiful in real life.”

No...Facebook Creepers.

Pear agreed, and soon we got off the phone. But our conversation was not lost on me - especially not her advice.

"Own it."

I repeated the phrase a couple times in my head. The more I said it, the better I started to feel. I mean, what could I do now? The friend request had been made and the email notification had gone out. What I had to do now was just own it.

When I finally talked to Silvey and LD later that day, they both agreed.

Silvey: “Yeah, what’s the worst that could happen? She’ll probably just leave you in facebook purgatory forever.”

LD: “Or…you could go to a costume shop and buy a pregnant suit and take an album of pictures of yourself so she’ll think you’re pregnant too.”

Could it be your baby's daddy?!

Which brings me back to my point: Sometimes you just have to Facebook stalk your ex-boyfriend’s pregnant girlfriend to get a little clarity in your life. 

Unfortunately, I will probably continue to make this and other poor life decision for quite some time. I honestly can’t pretend that this was the last Sunday I will wake up naked with a Facebook-stalking hangover and a plate of pizza crust next to me. But with the advice of my sage friends - on this particular Sunday - I was able to own it. And surprisingly, my actions gave me clarity.

Yes, I would like to be engaged, have a meaningful career that I love, and enjoy hobbies other than shopping at Forever 21.

But for right now, I am 27 and single and enjoy wine way too much. I don’t have any meaningful hobbies, I dislike my job, and I would eat ranch dressing with every meal if I could.

I don’t really know why I moved to San Francisco, or where I will go next. I like adult contemporary music and I am responsible for making Michael Vick being our #1 draft pick in Fantasy Football…

And, last Saturday night, I friended a woman who is pregnant with my ex-boyfriend's baby on Facebook.

This is my life, right now. And I will proudly own it.

Keeping Perspective and Moving Forward

I'm happy to say that I'm back - in spirit at least - from my cold/allergies attack. I'm still not sure what is going on, but I've decided to just take naps, zyrtec, sinus rinse, have my weekly allergy shots and ignore it until it goes away - even if it takes a couple years.

I know I spend a lot of time in my life, and on this blog, whining.

"I have no hobbies, whaww! My job is so stressful, whaww! I hate the gym in the morning, whaww! I have generalized anxiety disorder and serious allergies - the treatment of which often leave me in a nappy fog and without my own doggie to snuggle, whaww!!"

But the fact is, I have a pretty darn great life.

Every now and then though I need a wake-up call. And this one was timed perfectly.

Over the past couple months, I knew my good friend Pear (Team Chuck Bass in our FF league) had been working hard as a Volunteer for CureSearch - National Childhood Cancer Foundation, helping prepare for their Washington D.C. MileStones Walk to Conquer Kids' Cancer.

Childhood cancer has impacted Pear's family personally on two fronts, and I know this is truly an issue and challenge close to her heart.

(BLOGGERS NOTE: My friend Pear has a fabulous "lifestyle" blog you should check out at http://www.oliveandgrace.com/)

Last week she graciously asked me if I would help out as a volunteer at the walk this past Saturday morning. She was in charge of entertainment - facepainting, temporary tattoos, etc. for the little kiddos. And, I was happy to say yes! LD was also eager to help out - even though it required a 6 am Saturday wake-up call.

Sonk once told me that finding hobbies isn't only about filling my free time with activities. It's about helping other people, and that doing so would bring me more fulfillment than just taking a yoga class.

Well, Sonk was right.

Saturday morning was awesome, inspirational and humbling.

Pear's sunrise smile while setting up the refreshments table!

The Reasons We Walk: Names of children affected by cancer.

I take my facepainting very seriously...

As does LD.

Awesome flamming skull!! Interesting request... :)

Opening ceremony...we had 500 walkers!

So many young, brave role-models for life.

I loved painting this cancer survivor's face - he was so positive and friendly,

with the entire world at his finger tips.

Pear - Thank you so much for inviting me to volunteer my time at this wonderful event. I cannot wait to help out again next year. It served as an important reminder of what life is all about:

Imua

The act of moving forward in a proactive way despite barriers that exist.

They had four colors of bandanas at the walk to represent who/what you were walking for. One for childhood cancer survivors, one for children currently battling, one for bereaved familes, and a green bandana for family, friends and sponsors.

I've tied my green bandana to the inside of my car door handle to serve as a daily reminder of those brave children, and the importance of looking forward towards better days - no matter what the struggle.