New Hobby Attempt #1,546,007: Get a Pet Fish

The weekend before last I sauntered into PetSmart - a woman with a plan.

For a few days prior to the PetSmart trip, there was something different about me: I had a hop in my step; I had paid down my credit card; My sinuses were clear; I was proud of the work I was doing in the office; and I had stood up for myself at the auto-service center and gotten some shoddy-work repaired for free.

This confidence meant I could take on new challenges and handle them with ease. It meant I could get a pet!

I decided best to start with baby steps - a pretty fancy goldfish in a little aquarium.

I walked into PetSmart and - low and behold - the 2 gallon starter aquarium set was on sale! "It's meant to be!!!" I picked up the box and skipped over to check out the fishies.

Memories of childhood danced through my head. Oh! pretty fins! Oh, which one has the most personality! Which one looks the most quirky!? We're gonna be BEST FRIENDS!! Lalala.

...enter Fish Nazi.

"Can I help you," she said gruffly. She spoke with authority and pessimism. And she looked like she dresses up for the Renaissance Festival annually.

"Oh, I want to get a goldfish. I'm trying to pick one out," I responded.

"Well you can't keep it in that little aquarium if you want it to live."

...I vividly remember keeping my pet goldfish in a BOWL for 5 years when I was a kid and he lived until I had to flush him down the toilet alive for trying to eat my other pet goldfish.

I don't know why I didn't just separate him to his own bowl. Seems sorta messed up now that I think about it. Especially since he swam back up when I was peeing and then I had to reflush him!! Oh gosh...what a horrible memory I have buried for decades!!

Geeze. But I digress...

"I used to keep them in bowls when I was a kid and mine lived 5 years. We named him miracle fish!" I said with a grin. (Sorry again about the flushing of you alive miracle fish...)

"Well, that was a miracle fish cause he should have been dead. I got my neice that aquarium and a goldfish and her fish only lived for 2 years."

(BLOGGERS NOTE: Um. 2 years sounds like a perfectly fine life-span for a goldfish. It's that like 100 in human years?)

"But there are pictures of goldfish on this box."

"That'a a marketing ploy to sell more aquariums."

"What size tank does one goldfish need if this is a lie?"

"10 gallons at least," she said gruffly.

10 gallons!?!?! 10 gallons!!?!?!  That is the size of my television!!!

"I dunno, this is starting to feel like a big undertaking. I don't know if I'm ready for this sort of commitment. I'll have to think about it."

 I left PetSmart and returned home feeling utterly deflated.

Flash forward 1 week to this past Friday.

It was a hard ass week at work, as noted by last week's post on my fluke leopard-print Snuggie purchase. And now, on Friday evening, it was cold and raining and no one wanted to do anything but hibernate.

But I felt the need for action...and I couldn't stop thinking about that fish.

I did a cost-benefit analysis in my head and decided that I could settle for a betta fish. They can live in little bowls and use tap water...This would be most cost effective and still fulfill my need for whimsy.

I drove over the PetSmart in the rain, praying that Ms. McGruff was off that night. She was.

A very friendly young man pointed me in the direction of the betta fish and I walked over to look at the sad little guys in the tinted blue cups.

I stood there for a full hour, looking at every single fish they had.

Too Ugly. Too Red. Messed up fins. Mean face. Oh!! Pretty blue! I like Blue!

"Do you need help picking out a fish?" the nice man asked after wandering over. I must have looked confused.

"No, I'm just seeing which one I connect with."

By this point I had it narrowed down to 5 beautiful, colorful fish. And then it hit me. I should get one that is not colorful. No one will want him, and then I can be his saving grace and give him a home!!

(Cue: "How much is that doggie in the window...")

So I picked out the least colorful betta fish I could find. A white Betta with little beady eyes and a frowny face. "I like him. He's a raggamuffin like me!"

Pink gravel. Done. Fake plant. Done. Cool looking glass bowl from the TJMaxx next door. Done.

"We're going home little fishy!!!!" I said outloud in the car.

I hurried home in the rain, holding his little cup in between my legs to keep him from getting jossled around in the car. LD was excited when I arrived. He wanted me to get the runtiest looking fish I could - and I felt proud of my success!

"Can we name him ButtFranklin?" LD asked.

"What is ButtFranklin?"

"From the Beartato comic! It's such a perfect, idiotic name for our runty fish!" he exclaimed.

Courtesy of nedroidcomics.

I still dont get it....

"Fine, but I'm calling him Franklin," not wanting to kill LD's excitement.

Franklin enjoyed his first night in his new home thuroughly. He ate his bloodworms and frolicked around the water. He followed my finger and generally seemed super happy and curious.

I fell asleep on the couch to the pitter patter of the rain outside, happy as a clam.

When I woke up around 1 a.m. to get into bed, I noticed that Franklin was pretty subdued in his bowl.

"Look LD! He's sleeping when we sleep. That is so cute."

The next morning, I excitedly came out to the living room to check on Franklin. He was still hanging out at the bottom of the bowl. I shook it a little and he came to life - but pretty half-assly. I noticed a chill in the air. It was still raining outside and our heat was not on.

"LD, I think that Franklin is too cold. His water feels so cold!"

I googled. The sites said he was probably in shock and to warm up the water slowly. Betta's are tropical fish and should be in water between 70-80 degrees. It was 69 degrees in the apartment - this did not bode well.

We turned up the heat. We added a cup of warmer water to the bowl, trying to help.

I took him into the bathroom with me and took a HOT shower, trying to steam up the room as best as I could. I also let the blow dryer run for a while around his bowl.

My plan? I needed to get a small aquarium heater and put it in his bowl. I would keep him in the warmed-up bathroom with all the steam, etc. until I got back from the pet store. Perfect. This will work. I just have to keep this room wa...

LD opens bathroom door.

"No!! You're letting all the warm air out! I've been trying to keep it steamy in here for Frankie!!"

"I need to do laundry. I need clean underwear," he responded.

"Whatever, we did laundry on Wednesday and you had like 10 pairs in there! Did you already wear 10 pairs of underwear?!"

"Those aren't the ones I want," LD said.

"I can't believe you care more about your man-panties than ButtFranklin!!"

"Okay, you need to calm down."

(BLOGGERS NOTE: LD does not wear panties. At this point, I was being a little over-dramatic, but I was worried about my fish. I would like to publically apologize to LD for calling him a man-panty wearer.)

After the laundry was in, I closed the bathroom door and proceeded to run the blow dryer again for a while until the room felt warm. We then departed for PetCo.

At PetCo. I purchased a Betta Fish mini-aquarium and an aquarium heater that would consistently keep the water at 78 degrees. My $20 investment in Franklin and all his food, gear etc. the night before suddenly turned into a $70 investment. But this was serious!

This was a heart-wrenching episode of Franklin's Anatomy and we were at code blue.

"I just want my fish to live for 1 year," I said to LD as we checked out.

"Let's go for 24 hours first," he laughed. 

We rushed home. The apartment felt warm. The bathroom did not.

Franklin was doing a headstand at the bottom of the bowl.

"He's dead!!!"

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry but my face contorted into a look of distress. I shook the bowl. He swam away....

"Wait! He's not dead. But he looked dead! I have to hurry and get the heater in there!!"

I plugged in the little water heater and suction cupped it to the inside of the bowl. Red light - it was working.
Slowly but surely Franklin made his way over to the heater and snuggled up against it. Things were looking good. It was just a matter of time now until he was out of shock and back to his old self again.

20 minutes passed. Green light. The heater stopped heating!

....But the water still felt so cold. I highly doubted it was at 78 degrees. I took it out and put it in a cup of cold water. It started heating again. Okay...back into the tank. Stopped heating.

"You have to remember that water is generally cold. We are 98 degrees so 78 degrees will feel cold to you even though its not," LD explained.

I calmed down. Okay...I'll give it some time.

Another 20 mins passed and I noticed that Franklin was still snuggled up against the heater. But now he was upside-down.

"Frankie is upside-down!"

"No he's not. He's looking at me," LD said.

"His mouth is on the top of his head!!"

"Oh - he is upside-down."

I shook the bowl and he swam away. But upside-down was a horrendous sign. I couldn't handle it anymore. I needed a xanax and a nap.

I woke up two hours later and Franklin was still upside-down next to the heater.

"At least he's breathing," LD said supportively as we headed out to the movies.

"When we get home, I either want him to be swimming around, or dead. I can't handle this stress anymore," I exclaimed.

I'll let you guess which one materialized.

*

R.I.P

ButtFranklin

10/17/09-10/18/09

(*Dramatization of ButtFranklin Flying to Heaven)

I said some kind words about the joy and stress little Franklin brought into my life and LD flushed him down the toilet. Then I cried. LD embraced me.

Come on...we're talking about a FISH that I had for 24 hours here!!!

The unopened Betta Aquarium and the heater will be returned. I just can't handle the stress of a replacement fish at this time of mourning.

All I have to say is this is the sort of debacle that happens when I don't just go to Forever 21 when I'm bored!

So there!!

Mecca...