The stress of my career path has certainly taken its toll on me over the years, especially recently. My health and carefree persona have both been affected by too much stress. So have my passions.
In fact, I origially started this blog not only to write about my pursuit for new hobbies, but to find my voice again. I am a trained writer with a unique spirit, but I recently realized that over the past decade my creativity and humor have morphed into a goulash of talking points and style rules.
Then on Janurary 25, 2008, as I stared at my computer screen in another daze, I experienced a moment of clarity brought on by AAAAAAACCCCCCHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - a giant sneeze coming from my former boss, who we will fondly refer to as the "Fecal Hawk." (I'll explain later...)
Here is a depiction of the Fecal Hawk's mantra:
"Whew!! A good sneeze is the best feeling in the whole world,” said the Fecal Hawk.
"You must have pretty low standards," replied Sonk.
With that, it hit me. The point of this entire exercise in monotony and being surrounded by thankless, anxiety-inducing personalities will pay off in the future - when I write a screenplay or sitcom about our crazy asses.
From that day forward, Sonk and I began compiling some of the best quotes and verbal exchanges between us and the Fecal Hawk in a Word document titled "Why I Love My Job."
Here are some highlights from the 9 page document.
September 17, 2008
Hawk: “Look at my statement. It’s awesome. People are buying what I’m selling.
Silvey: “Yeah, the market for bullshit is strong right now.
Ceasar (other co-worker): “There’s a bullshit bubble and it’s about to burst. You know, on the bullshit market trading floor they have to wear galoshes and bring shovels.”
Silvey: “But they come out smelling like roses.”
Hawk: “I’m a fecal freak.”
Silvey: “You are a fecal hawk.” ...Hello new nickname!
February 24, 2009
Hawk: “In my pre-ACT class I used to draw football men in the columns of the paper. And, after I took the test, they told me that my ideal profession should be a farmer or a trash collector.”
July 30, 2008
Silvey: “I think he’s just going through a Jesus stage. He’ll probably get over it.”
Sonk: “You want him to get over Jesus?”
(about our intern's fiancé.)
July 29, 2008
Silvey: “I have a great boyfriend. He bought me shoes last night!”
Hawk: “That’s called prostitution.”
Summer 2008
Hawk: “It’s not the first time a Republicans been down there.”
(In response to Silvey putting a stuffed elephant down her shirt.)
July 23, 2008
Hawk: “The industrial age was the downfall of our society.”
November 8, 2007
Hawk: “I would love to wear knickers like back in the old days."
Silvey: But then you would die of dysentery at the age of 33.”
July 17, 2008
Silvey: “You love a good pair of cargo shorts.”
Hawk: “I do love a good pair of cargo shorts. What can I say? I have a lot to carry.”
March 27, 2008
Sonk: “Of course I’m freezing, I’m not wearing any pants!”
May 9, 2008
Hawk: “At some point if you don’t overthrow your own government, it’s your own fault. And I stop having sympathy for you.”
(On the destruction in Burma)
June 23, 2008
Hawk: “I look at men the same way you do.”
Sonk: “You look at them and think, ‘wow, you’re attractive’?”
February 20, 2008
Silvey: “Fritz just called you his deputy.”
Hawk: “No, you know what he’s going to be calling me? The guy with his foot up his ass.”
August 7, 2008
Sonk: “Let’s face it: I’m the cream of the crop when it comes to chastity.”
June 17, 2008
Hawk: “My friend just had to buy a Suburban because it’s the only car that can fit four car seats.”
Silvey: “Can’t one of their kids just not sit in a car seat anymore?”
Hawk: “No, the new rule is you have sit in a car seat until you’re 80 lbs.”
Silvey: “I didn’t even weigh 80 lbs until I was 15. Do you think I sat in a car seat like this?”
(Acts it out - imagine a high schooler sitting in a car seat)
Hawk: “Well, there’s really strict national rules now. Maybe they weren’t around when you were a kid.”
(Silvey looks it up.)
Silvey: “Virginia is 6 years old or 60 lbs. Tennessee has the strictest rules with 9 years old and no weight limit for a booster seat.”
Hawk: “They’re lying. Where did you get that information?”
Silvey: “National Highway Traffic Safety Administration.”
Hawk: “They don’t know anything.”
February 14, 2008
Hawk to Silvey on Valentines Day: “You’re going to be 38 and sitting in a bar ‘saying why can’t I find a guy?’ But you can find guys. You find a guy and you kill him.”
September 25, 2008
Hawk: “There was this guy from Caneya”
(Silvey and Sonk confused.)
Sonk: “Kenya?”
Hawk: “Yeah, whatever. So this guy from Caneya…”
July 30, 2008
Silvey: “What am I supposed to wear to a black tie wedding?”
Hawk: “You wear a black dress. It’s not that hard.”
Silvey: “You do not have to wear a black dress to a black tie event.”
Hawk: “Yes you do.”
Silvey: “No I think I can wear any color dress I want.”
Hawk: “No you can’t, it clearly says black tie.”
Silvey to Sonk: “He doesn’t understand. He’s from Youngstown.”
December 1, 2008
Hawk: “You know what? I don’t even like the taste of real butter anymore. I just tried some over Thanksgiving, and it doesn’t even taste buttery to me.”
(On his preference for 0 calorie spray butter)
All I have to say is CHA-CHING!!
4 comments:
So what you're saying is, you have an idea for a sitcom or a movie about exasperated staff in an office with an odd boss who makes off-the-wall and comments? Come on, is there REALLY a market for that kind of thing?
There is so much more to this than is appropriate for the blog. :)
Have your people call my people...
I think we can work with this. Bada-bing! *air guns PEW PEW PEW*
I shouldn't have read this while having to pee. Where was the disclaimer?!
I think the Elephant and Valentines day were my favorites, but I can't be sure, they were all phenomenal.
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