Bloody Mary Brunch with Flo: Pearls Before Swine

Ever since I began this still very young blog, many readers and friends have come to me saying that its overall theme speaks to them: There's got to be something more to these young professional lives of ours!

Where's the joy?

And I'm happy to say that some have also taken steps towards tackling hobbies and interests they've had on their minds for a while, or abandoned some time ago due to the hustle and bustle of life.

Whether its joining a co-ed soccer team, taking up photography, playing fantasy football (update on that to come tomorrow!!), making and bottling jam (really...), or writing again - which seems to have become my biggest new hobby with this blog - it's so wonderful to see my friends take a stand against the monotony that can so easily become your daily life.

In that spirit, some of my friends have asked if they can write guest columns on The Silvey Lining about their personal experiences, and whatever else might be on their minds.

My answer: A resounding YES!!

The humor and grace with which so many them have endured personal struggles (large and small) and turned challenges into opportunities is wonderful - and so often makes for hilarious and eye-opening conversation as we drown our sorrows in bloody marys.

So, I hereby introduce the first edition of The Silvey Lining's newest feature: Bloody Mary Brunch

This week, Flo shares a few choice pearls of wisdom about the dating game. Enjoy!


Bloody Mary Brunch with Flo: Pearls Before Swine

When Silvey invited me to do a guest column for her blog, I was shocked to find myself - a girl who always has quite a lot to say - stumped on a topic!

But, in the spirit of seeking a silver lining and pursuing hobbies, I have crafted some insights on what not to do just because you may be bored, or perceive a lack of options for yourself.

Thou shall not cast your pearls before swine.

Question: How much time did I waste dating a dude because I was bored and feared that I had no other options?

Answer: Too much time!

While I have a number of incidences to share (remind me to tell you about the cab driver during my “I’m open to new experiences” phase), I’ll focus on one man we’ll refer to as L&O. (BLOGGERS NOTE: My friend Elle named his legs “Law and Order” because he: a) was a cop; and b) insisted on wearing the short-shorts uniform until it was super cold outside and his higher-ups made the pants uniform mandatory.)

L&O

(Dramatization Only)

I know, I know - A shorts uniform (or any uniform for that matter...discounting the few obvious winners) would normally be enough to send a hobby-enthused gal running.

But, I was naïve and thought “he’s nice, very tall and - most importantly - interested! What’s your problem Flo?”

So I agreed to go out with him.

On our first date, I was recovering from a horrible cold. When he came to pick me up, he had 2 grocery bags with him (the crinkly plastic kind). One turned out to be filled with cold remedies, OJ, soup and a get well card. Very thoughtful gesture. Because he was very thorough in the purchasing of said remedies those supplies did come in handy during future illnesses (Thanks again L&O!).

The second bag had "gifts for you."

(BLOGGERS NOTE: Reminder. This is out first date. EVER.)

I thought "well, this is getting better and better! I like getting presents!" (Although I do not like surprises very much – is that weird?)

He made me sit down and kinda kneeled in front of me. I hope that happens some day in a proposal scenario, but a first date gift giving scenario was so awkward. From the bag, L&O pulls out a ball of questionable fabric. It was shiny, fake satiny material and was reddish maroon in color. (This did not bode well my friends...)

I soon learned that it was a garnet color of the Washington Redskins variety. How did I know? Because on the fabric - which revealed itself to be a nightshirt (what?!?) - tiny little Indian logos danced about.

Why bring flowers?  You can show her how you

truly feel on a first date with Redskins Loungewear.

...crinkle crinkle

Next out of the magic bag, L&O retrieved a black ball that turned out to be the world’s largest t-shirt. I’m not a tiny girl at 5’11” but, seriously folks, I could have sailed a boat with this thing. It gets worse too...on the front of the shirt was a ginormous turtle raised up on two legs, as if standing like a human!

Hi. What the hell is that?!?

And it said in big ol’ letters “Hell in a Shell” and something droll about the University of Maryland.

Please Note: This is the collector's edition...

I’m gonna let all that sink in for a minute and gather my own thoughts.

Sinking in (literally) and gathering thoughts...

Let's backtrack for a moment and ask again: How much time did I waste dating L&O?

Answer: Way too much time!

Now...where do I begin with the lessons? Alright, here we go.

The first moral to this story – The development of our own interests and hobbies may prevent ridiculous relationships filled with awkward gift giving/receiving scenarios.

Second, as a sub-text to the first lesson, we should note an excellent “what not to do" observation in gift giving: Presentation is key. No grocery bags, please. And if you must, try to make up for the lack of wrapping with personal finesse and style. And don't give gifts prematurely! Know the receiver and put a little thought into the gift.

I despise Maryland and just about anything related to it – drivers in particular. I also don't particularly like professional football or know anything about it (BLOGGERS NOTE: I am a good sport and am willing to learn if a boyfriend is a big fan, or possibly in my personal quest for new hobbies. But, the reality is I’d likely just build up a tolerance for it or agree to do my own thing on Monday nights or whenever those guys play their games.)

Final vitally important lesson: A night-shirt really does not work for anyone but Kris Kringle.

As our relationship continued, there were future gifts in the same vein, because let’s face it - nothing says Merry Christmas like an Eddie Bauer turtleneck.

After our inevitable break-up (not related to said gifts), I got a call asking if we could meet because he had a surprise for me (which, as noted earlier, I generally do not enjoy.) I left my office to meet up with him and there he stood...with what has come to be known as “the Ripped Bag of Goodness” (RBOG) - named by Elle, the same sassy chic who originally dubbed him L&O!

The RBOG held a ton of items from Eddie Bauer (I'll give him credit: what he lacked in creativity he made up in quantity!) for my birthday.

Two factors to note:
1) We were no longer dating; and
2) My birthday is in December. This meeting occurred in June.

Was the gift early or late?

Elle says he was like a dog or cat who brings dead animals to your door. It's their form of a gift but, really, it requires quite a bit of clean up.

I'm proud to say that I’ve worked through my insecurities and today I confidently press on in search of hobbies and - hopefully - a new man who wears longer pants.

The big lesson to be learned?

Don’t settle.

I will no longer cast my pearls before swine. Some people, while generous and perfectly nice, may just not be for me.

I should not cast my proverbial pearls - wit, smarts, dating fun, etc.- before those who are not a good match, and let the relationships drag on out of apathy.

And you, darling readers, should not either.

It's never too late in life to seek out life's simple pleasures - including your perfect match.