Movin' on up!

I must say, work has been going really well lately. Yesterday I received the following award for all my dedication and "outside the box" thinking. It now hangs proudly in my office:

This type of validation was truly unexpected. I mean, it's an honor just to be nominated for something like this. Next year I look forward to being a presenter.

Art is in the Eye of the Beholder.

And this is the most innovative series I have seen in a long long time.

Introducing the Tom Selleck Waterfall Sandwich Series.

Featured Sandwich: Shrimp Po' Boy

Featured Sandwich: Panini

Featured Sandwich: Caprese

To view more of this amazing exhibit, coming soon to an art museum near you, visit: http://selleckwaterfallsandwich.tumblr.com/

The Great Doppelganger Test.

As you may know, it is Doppelganger week on Facebook. Why? Who knows...in fact, it was probably just a rumor someone started to see how far it would go. But it certainly is quite a revealing little social experiment.

Here is the status message that has been circulating: "It’s Doppelganger Week: change your profile picture to a shot of a celebrity that you’ve been told that you look like. Cut/paste this msg. to your status. Have fun!"

Exhibit A: Some people take it for what it is, posting photos of people who actually do resemble them - a truly rare feat since not many of us look like celebs, and therefore are not celebs.

"Pregnant Adriana Lima??"

Loves it girl!!

Exhibit B: Others have fun with the absurdity of it all, and post absolutely hilarious matches in the name of bringing their friends joy and laughter.

Exhibit C: And then there is that very special breed that gives us insight into their psyche - and possible neurosis - by posting photos of celebs they painfully wished they looked like, or even WERE, with all their heart and soul.

*

*Although I have several other examples of Exhibit C,

I believe it is in my best interest to keep them to myself.

I fell into the Exhibit B category, posting this stunningly ___(adjective)___ photo of Tilda Swinton since my boyfriend LD said "I can't think of anyone you look like...maybe Tilda Swinton?" Grrrr....

Needless to say this photo recieved a lot of witty comments from friends and provided for a full day of entertainment.

Then, last night before bed, I decided to take it up a notch and posted this photo of the Heidi Montag 3.0, the "circus freak" edition:

Upon waking this morning I had 3 Facebook friend requests from sketchy foreign men!! THREE!! They obviously have no idea who the woman in this photo is since she is solely an American tabloid celeb, but it was freaking wierd. I get an average of 1 random male friend request a month with my regular face - and I got zip, zero, nada with Tilda. Sigh.... 

So thus begins THE GREAT DOPPLEGANGER TEST:

• 
  
  For 48 hours I will leave the photo of "circus freak" Heidi on my FB page.
• 
  
  I am choosing 48 hours so I can keep it up over a Friday evening, when many a lonely man likely peruses FB for virtual female companionship.
• 
  
  I will then return to The Silvey Lining on Saturday and post the photos and locales of all the skechy men who friended the big-boobed fake version of me.

Stay tuned! This should be quite enjoyable. :)

I'm back. Now get me out of here.

First and foremost, I apologize for hibernating for the past 2 months.

Second, I apologize for being enough of an egotist to think that anyone noticed or cared.

Life has been a damn stress sammich lately - as anyone who kept up with political news, celebrated the holidays with family, or watched the NFL Playoffs knows. Yes. I'm talking to me.

But, my plebian life must go on. I made a commitment to blog, and I must stick to that commitment. My 15 followers are waiting with bated breath, and boy do I have a lot of juicy nuggets socked away for my big comeback.

That's right...with a nice collection of Teriyaki Nugget Jumbo Bags from Costco, I am snack-ready and getting back to the blogging grindstone.

As you may know, yesterday was Groundhog Day. I knew this because I saw that they were playing Groundhog Day on Bravo all day instead of Real Housewives of Orange County, which was really quite shocking.

Chunky little Phil saw his shadow, and to that end we are slated to get 20 inches of snow this weekend. PHEW! Thank goodness it's happening on a Saturday - per the usual - and not on a week day when Washingtonians would be stuck at home, possibly without blackberry service, and unable to meet for lunch/coffee/drinks!! That would just be wrong. Why would God ever deprive us of what we love best - networking - in the name of a carefree, old school snowday. He simply wouldn't think of doing something so rash!!

"Dummm dee Dumm Dumm."

Well, I damn well wish he would.

Bring on the snow! Bring on the cable outages! Bring on the Antiques Road Show marathons on PBS, snow angels and hot toddies!! BOOO on memos and deadlines. Boo on e-mail. It is soooo passe.

I think many of us twenty/thirty-somethings in Washington have more in common with Bill Murray than we ever thought possible, even if we're afraid to admit it.

"Where the hell am I going and who the hell said you could drive?"

It is the rare rare breed who actually finds it in themselves to admit that a rabid animal has taken the wheel of their life, and chooses to call the exterminator.

Simplify is the operative word.

That is why I am so proud to call Peach - whom you all know and love - one of my best friends. We had a wonderful visit this last weekend when she came into town for the MARIAH CAREY CONCERT (Oh yes we did!!), and we spent the days reminiscing about days gone by. And although hindsight is often 20/20, these joyous chats and fun-filled evenings could not eclipse the truth: Washington D.C. sings a sweet siren song to bright-eyed young politicos - but if you're not careful, it will chew you up and spit you out.

I hope Peach's personal tale will speak to you the way it spoke to me:

Peach: "So want to hear something weird? When I was living in D.C. at like this time last year and was working like 7 days a week and so stressed, I started finding grey hairs. I became obsessed with finding them and pulling them out. Well, yesterday I saw the tip of a grey hair!! So, I pulled it out, and the root is red, but halfway down the middle it goes grey and I think the midpoint is when I moved to SF and stopped having stress!!! But that's not the weirdest part... the weirdest part is that I can't stop looking at this half red, half grey hair that represents my move to SF and I taped it onto my printer.... so if anyone comes into my office they'll see a hair taped on my printer at my desk! AHHHH, I'm a freak.”

"lolling there in their meadow,

round them heaps of corpses rotting away,

rags of skin shriveling on their bones."

- The Odyssey

Bloody Mary Brunch with Blair Waldorf: No, I'm Not.

This week I present to you a fabulous guest column by my good friend Blair Waldorf, who is truly quite a conniving beotch, but I am friends with her for status purposes and designer hand-me-downs.

Also, I'd like to note that I beat her at fantasy football last weekend by 4 points. Ahh, Poor Blair. But don't worry, she's still in playoff standing and I'm in last place - per the ususal.

xoxo,

Gossip Girl

"No, I'm not."

"Blimey! I am such a floozie!"

During Season one of Gossip Girl, Blair Waldorf was involved in a pregnancy scandal. Not only did Blair think she was pregnant, but she didn’t know if Nate or Chuck was the potential sperm donor.

That’s what happens when you’re 20. Here’s what happens when you’re 30:

After many years of happily dating, my then-boyfriend, Chuck Bass, asked me to marry him. And, I said yes!!...putting to rest the inane and insistent question that I got at pretty much every family gathering:

"So when are you two getting married?"

I finally had an answer! I finally had a plan! [BLOGGERS NOTE: Audible exhale...]

A burden was lifted off my shoulders…

Until, and I kid you not, the day after my wedding, when the New Question surfaced.

"So when are you two having kids?" [BLOGGER’S NOTE: AAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!]

"We'd be having a wonderful honeymoon period

if it wasn't for those pesky kids!!"

For some reason, the pressure is on for married couples to have kids. I personally blame US Weekly and all those overly fertile and underly brain-celled celebrities. What even happened to natural selection?

I know several women who have no interest in having kids, and when they tell people this, the inquisitor frequently looks like they’ve just had sulfuric acid spit in their face. Over time, the psycologial effect of these facial responses has lead to people like my psychotic coworker having children whom she ships off to daycare the second the sun peeks over the horizon. She would enjoy nothing more then to spend quality time with her kids only while they snore away in dreamland.

In this area, like so many others, our society looks to the next step without assessing the current situation.

And by the way, why do acquaintances feel that it’s all right to tell me that if I do want kids, I’m getting old and I should ‘get the ball rolling’? One in ten women has fertility problems. How painful must it be for those women to constantly have to answer the ‘so when are you having children’ question when they honestly have no answer?

...but I digress.

At first my Mother, Eleanor, would say

“oh, not yet, we’re not ready to be grandparents.”

Gradually, Eleanor began to say nothing.

Now, every time Eleanor calls - which is pretty much every day - we have the following conversation:

Eleanor: Do you remember my friend [insert name]? Their son/daughter [blank] was the one who got married [here]?

Me: ummm, sure. He’s bald right?

Eleanor: well, she’s pregnant! [pregnant pause...haha I kill me.]

Me: Really, already? That’s great!

Eleanor: [expectant pause]

I’m not joking when I say this happens every day. I personally know nine women having 10 babies in a six month span. I’ve termed the stretch from August 2009 to February 2010 Babypalloza.

I had to cut it off in February because we already have some late entries - and this does not even count the random people Eleanor, and even Facebook, insist on telling me about. Or my psychotic coworker who is coming back from maternity leave two months early. Shocker.
 

I just spent a weekend with Sister Bass, and - bless her heart - the way she talks about babies you would’ve thought I was nine months pregnant and due tomorrow. She pointed out baby products she liked, toys she was buying my non-existent baby. She asked how many kids I want, what their names would be (gulp!), and where we’d move once we have said babies. 

 

To make matters worse, my Dad has now waded into the fray.

When chatting the other day, he asked if I’d gotten my H1N1 flu shot yet. When I told him that I wasn’t in any of the priority groups, he mentioned that pregnant women should make sure to get one. I reiterated that I was not in any of the priority groups.

"Dad, you're such a sneakster, you sneakster you!!

Mom, I can hear you breathing on the other line."

 

It’s no secret that I want kids, but must it be thrown in my face every single day? It’s not like Al-Qaeda invaded my womb and we need this type of 24-hour coverage.

I don’t want to turn into one of those crazy women who only talks about their kids (like my current best frenemy), especially if I don’t have hobbies with which to diversify the conversation. 

 

So, until that day comes when I can answer “in about six months” I’ll continue to lavish the dog with unhealthy amounts of attention and spend my time building an ass-kicking fantasy football team.

Because no, I’m not pregnant.

This Calls for Some Slow Jams...

Update...Tiger Woods lives up to his surname in more ways than one.

A respectable statement from Tiger. Way to finally man-up - i.e. "I do not want to lose $500 million. Please, please leave me alone."

"I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.

"Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.

"But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don't share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one's own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn't have to mean public confessions.

"Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it's difficult.

"I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology."